I guess I didn’t understand the process until now. Even now I still don’t understand what to do. I always thought that I’m suppose to spend a day with a person if they invited me to celebrate their birthday. I never thought that I can still spend a day with a person even if they didn’t invite me. I suppose that is considered as a surprise? I thought if I wasn’t invited, I’ll just simply say “happy birthday”, give the friend a present if possible, and leave. But if I had thought more clearly I would realize that after giving a present, it would be rude to leave. If I had though even more deep, I would realize going to somewhere uninvited is also rude, even if I am friends with the person. Now I’m probably over-analyzing it -_-” but if I had thought even more clear than that, maybe I would have realized that my friend wouldn’t even mind if I had came unintended or mind if I didn’t even had a present prepared.
I suppose it’s because I have experience little of it. Or may I just never thought of it since my mind is usually on a one-side-track. There are many factors, I can blame myself for a long long long time and I’ll just be even more disappointed. It’s amazing how people can think and analyze things/events/objects. I don’t know if it’s better to over analyze or to not think of anything at all. I don’t know, there’s so many flaws. Somehow it’s a little disappointing how it took me a long time to realize things people realize in an instant.
Perhaps that’s why I like explaining once I realize something? I find it fascinating because I don’t realize it as quickly as everyone else…… I want people to know that I realized something. I want people to know that I’m not inferior. Sometimes I wonder about what I should do. I don’t have talent nor forte at anything. I don’t feel there is anything that I exceed at doing well in, even though I wish I had. I feel hard-work is really all I had. My grades… good grades as a substitution for what I lack.
Living is difficult, its hard to find a purpose. When I do find a purpose, it feels like the world is against me. Everyone is slowly waiting for me to crash, to fall, to perish. Such thoughts are ridiculous, yet my mind still portrays them to me. Haha, this is off topic. I’m suppose to be talking about presents, yet I keep going back to my weak side self. I really want Kaiyo to be here, but I suppose that’s just looking for an escape root; a safe point. I have to get stronger somehow by myself.
I’ve been told that I’ve always appear anxious and unease. It’s true, I worry about things a lot, there’s always the fear to be hated. It’s childish, I know. Can’t help it. It’s a sign of weakness. I hate to be alone, yet I always wander off. I suppose I am a person of contradictions.
If only I was stronger… perhaps then I’ll seem more wanted. Welcomed. I know I complain, I whine, yet actions are difficult to perform. Money huh? I’ll see if I can get a job. Ah, my feet is a bit cut up… I didn’t know it was that damaged today from the rain. I think it’s mainly caused by my shoes though. I’m just saying random stuff =/
The rain, I really love the rain. Seeing it usually cheers me up, yet today was quite moody. I guess I can’t play with all this lag. I should just sleep for now, I have things I have to do tomorrow. I wondering how would the weather be like tomorrow? Perhaps I’ll wear those sandals so my feet would feel more comfortable. I don’t know why, but somehow I just feel a bit down…
Although there was a storm early in the day, by the end of day was a clear night sky fulled with star like smiles. ^-^ I guess it was a decent day after all.
A storm few by with raging thunder, The chills are cold, yet deeply entangle the heart’s darkened room… A bond seemly tight, but slightly astray. The thunder shouts pain, As the witness falls in shock.
A distant call, resounds in the silence, As the heart falls to slumber. Although time has passed, The mind knows no place, To embrace the fallen warmth.
Hopefully one day, Without much disdain, From the former to the vice, Would this being not hesitate, To allow an entrance, Given upon sight.
I need to stop being too serious about certain things… or else I’ll never calm down. I don’t want to forever be the fool. Yet I really don’t know what to do.
Teach? How am I suppose to teach you something you already know? I can’t teach you, but I can advise you on a certain aspect if you need help with it =O
Ha I don’t know who told my mom. I really can’t trust anyone now days ha. Thanks, really thanks for telling me I’m like a laughing stock, a performer. Sorry I don’t have a pretty face, I have to wear a headdress to look pretty. My definition of pretty is considered as cute. It is an embarrassment to look cute for a 19 year old I see. I’m sorry I don’t dress mature like the other damn 19 year olds that you’re comparing me to.
Yeah Yeah I won’t ever get hired. I look like a clown, a fool that dresses up like a cartoon in your eyes. If I take off my headdress I look fine, I look plain. I cover myself in pretty clothing, because I not pretty in the nude. Yet the clothing I cover myself in is considered as childish. Not mature, a thing to laugh at. Perhaps that’s why so many people consider me as an embarrassment. It’s painful. I suppose I should just eat poison. I don’t know how to get prettier, I’m sorry.
I can’t eat. I have no appetite. Yes I have both; a inferior complex and a superior complex. My esteem goes up and down. Yes I’m aware that beauty varies between different people. I treasure my youth, I want to be beautiful. Yet I am neither in your eyes. It’s not suppose to matter. Yet I am greatly affected by it. Perhaps I am a laughing stock to all my relatives. Why did they betray me!? Why huh? So now my cousins, aunts, and all my relatives look down on me? So even my little cousins look down on me. How am I not mature… Shut up, just be quiet mom. Please leave me alone. I really want you to leave me alone right now. Stop attacking me with those words. I accept it okay damn it. If I really look so bad, then let all those who look at me be blind. Yeah I speak rude words, but what do you want me to say? I’m tired… You won’t accept me…. I don’t belong… Anywhere now. WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME??!??!
Hm, while showering I thought back to a video/song that I recently watched titled “Koibito ni Uchiotosareta Hi” by Sound Horizon. The translation of the title is the day I shot down my lover.
Then I thought back to a situation that I once asked my ex lol. I once asked if he would he be happy to die by the hands of his lover and he just stared at me. xD Indeed it’s a weird question, but somehow I thought it would be cute if a guy said “It would be a pleasure to die at your hands!”……
Yeah that was weird, I don’t even know why did I thought that was cute, then again if I think back I would also think that would be very creepy if a guy said that haha xD! That person must be a very happy masochist!!! AH! I remember now! I recall rumors that my ex was a masochist, perhaps I was testing him lol? Oh boy, does that mean I have an interest towards masochists O.o” though it’s true that I would like a male to be my punching bag and as a pet….. Perhaps I’m not even looking for a lover, but more of a caretaker? *sigh* If only Kaiyo was here.
I want to be beautiful both inside and out, figuratively. Literally for the outside one though. Even though I always see myself as pretty, that is rather conceited to many… if people were to hear my thoughts. Even so, I forever view myself as the Princess of Water Dragons. One day I might just achieve that reality.
A story, a memory that will last is my purpose. I will continue to write it, the story that is stored within my heart. Are you willing to hear it?
